journal entries

[piercedyourheart]

 we'll make this fancy later

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1.

[piercedyourheart]

I...don’t really know how to start off a journal. Introducing me to me feels silly, but all the searches I did on AOL suggested it should be the first thing before “diving into your difficult feelings.” So here goes.

Hi. I’m Yukari Takeba. I’m 17 years old, will be 18 in a few weeks. I’m originally from Kyoto and just finished up my second year at Gekkoukan High in Tatsumi Port Island. I like the outdoors, acting, fashion, and dogs. Spring is my favorite season because everything turns pink which is my favorite color.

Ugh, this sounds so lame. Like I’m auditioning for an idol agency or something.

I usually wouldn’t do this, but I’ve got so many thoughts and “difficult feelings” in my head that if I don’t put them somewhere I’m gonna go crazy. And everyone I would talk to about this are having their own hard times, maybe even harder than mine.

It’s one big huge mess, Journal. I’m not naming you, by the way, no matter what the help articles say. One, you’re a journal; and two, I’ll probably forget to write after this so it’s fine if I don’t. This is temporary.

...and I’m avoiding writing down what’s bothering me.

I guess the real problem is that I don’t know where to start. Everything’s been messed up since Graduation Day. God, I can’t even remember a lot of what happened after Kotone…. We found out. Then there was the wake and the funeral. Otherwise, everything is just a blur. Like when Dad died but a 1000 times worse. She was my best friend. We were close. Really, really close. So close that everyone in the archery and drama clubs teased me by calling her my girlfriend.

I mean, we weren’t. She was into Aigis the moment she saw her and I’m too…I don’t know. Me. It wasn’t ever going to happen. But deep down, I think I wanted it to. No, I know I wanted it to. There wasn’t a chance at home, but here, after the ball and flirting all the time and the Hall of Mirrors, I--

God. Kissing her was so stupid. She’s been going through so much and it wasn’t fair to her or Aigis. I wasn’t even thinking when I did it. She should totally hate me, but instead she just kissed me back.

Like she really wanted me, too.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it and I really need to. This--whatever this is isn’t what she needs right now. Or what I need. Not to mention not what Mitsuru needs considering their whole...not really a fight? Whatever you want to call a confession that didn’t go well. And the worst part is that it seems like they were both talking past each other. Kotone didn’t explain anything about Aigis (which she really REALLY should have), just turned her down, and Mitsuru didn’t handle Kotone talking badly about herself well. Neither of them meant any harm, but it happened anyway. The costs of wanting to be close, I guess.

Mitsuru’s so torn up about the whole thing. She’ll stay that way until they finally talk, which I’ll be there for. I...don’t know how I feel about hearing her talk about them running away together. It’s fine, it really is, but it makes me feel. Weird. Not like a “mad” weird or “annoyed” weird, but just. Weird. They’re both my closest friends and the idea of them leaving me behind is….

Anyway. That’s enough talking about drama. Especially when there’s enough of it going on in Camelot. I’m gonna end it here since it’s kinda late. Maybe look up if there’s ways I can help out with the refugees from Lestari. God, what a mess that was.

But that’s for next time, Journal.